Terry Real Answers Your Sexless-Marriage Questions
Aug. 11, 2010 — -- It's something most married couples would never confess to -- they no longer have sex.
Once a taboo topic, sexless marriages are getting more attention, in part because so many couples are complaining about the lack of sexual activity in their unions, according to experts.
Family therapist and relationship expert Terry Real appeared on "Good Morning America" today to offer advice on how to have a healthy sex life in a marriage, and answered your questions about how to get your sex life back on track.
Terry Real's Tips
For half of couples, Real said it's not a sexuality problem but one of forcing yourself to get into the bedroom and become sensual with each other. A lot of couples believe sex is supposed to be spontaneous and romantic, but with the stress of kids and jobs, if they wait for the perfect moment, they'll have a long wait, said Real.
Note: Some questions have been slightly edited for clarity and to ensure anonymity for the submitter.
Debbie from Florida asked:
My husband and I have not had sex in at least a year. We have been married for 11 years and most of that time has been very little sex. (We are both 54.) But over the last 5 years or so, the sex has been less frequent. I don't think we have ever had sex more than 6 times a year in the past 5 years. I would love to have an active sex life, but my husband says that he has no interest in sex. He always turns me down or has an excuse why he doesn't want to have sex. I have asked him several times to talk to his Doctor about it. Maybe it is a hormone imbalance. But it seems that he is either embarrassed about it or just doesn't care. I have put on weight and maybe he is not attracted to me with the extra weight. We have a good marriage in many ways, but I cannot live in a sexless marriage. We both have very busy jobs and do not have a lot of free time to spend together as a couple. It would be so nice to have a full and healthy sex life with this man that I love. I am afraid that no sex will destroy our relationship.
Real answered:
Debbie,
No sex may well destroy your marriage over time; your fears are not unfounded. It sounds like your husband is simply not being very responsible in all sorts of ways -- starting with his refusal to speak top his doctor. Just saying he has no interest in sex is not a good enough answer -- know why? Because there are two of you. Buy some of the books on sexlessness in marriage. I particularly like, "The Sex Starved Marriage," by Michele Weiner-Davis. Try some of her suggestions. But if your husband continues to be, frankly, so self-centered, it's time for professional help -- a counselor with specific expertise in dealing with this issue.
