'Is this what equality looks like?' Mom's viral post on imbalance of parental workload
It's 2019 and while women have more choices than ever -- which is great -- they also have more responsibility than ever. That's especially true of moms who are trying to do everything and be everything for everyone in their lives.
Mom blogger and book author Constance Hall has gone viral once again. This time the topic is the imbalance of workload that many women face in their marriages once a baby comes along.
Hall's Dec. 28 post has been shared more than 20,000 times.
"I get so many messages on Instagram about how 'hands on' my husband is," her Facebook post began. "And even people telling me that we are 'couple goals.'"
She went on to write:
"The truth is that having a baby has pushed my relationship to the absolute edge. I can handle upping my work load. I really can. But what I can’t handle is the unjust, unfair living arrangements that so commonly follow the birth of a baby."
"I’m not man bashing or airing my dirty laundry or doing any of the other ridiculous things that people say when someone speaks out in their truth against a system that greatly benefits one gender while driving another insane," she continues.
Hall told "Good Morning America" that women often feel defensive about their marriage.
"It’s seen as a sign of relationship failure if your honest and open about the hardship," she explained. "It’s hard to speak up because we all have this pride that makes us want everyone to think we are a right couple with no problems at all. It’s all rubbish, it’s ego and insecurities."
Hall went on in her post to describe an incident where she was doing load of laundry after load of laundry while her husband slept in.
"After doing so many loads of washing the other morning while his highness slept in for the 340th time this year I flooded the bathroom, mopped for half an hour, put the baby down, made myself some eggs, walked past the wet patch and slipped, smashing my plate and knees," she wrote.
"And I was not expecting to not be able to get up. I just lay there, covered in washing machine water. Furiously crying."
Hall is not alone. According to the United Nations, "Despite their increasing presence in public life, women continue to do 2.6 times the unpaid care and domestic work that men do."
The comments on the post echo Hall's feelings on the imbalanced workload that plagues many couples.
"My husband wore our youngest in the ergo carrier the other day and the whole f****** time people smiled and made comments about how beautiful it was, how lucky I am, how great he is... I wear the baby every mf day, no one smiles or tells my husband how lucky he is," wrote one.
"I find myself congratulating and praising my husband for every effort," another commented. "Making endless excuses. I have the boobs. Its just more natural for women. I am an early riser anyways. He has the sweetest gentlest heart, and I should just be grateful. Oh, look at how my sweet baby looks at him! It's all worth it, right? The fact that I do 80% of the parenting and 80% of the work outside of the home too. Oh, and manage his own life and responsibilities too because 'its just easier for me."'
Hall told "GMA" she told her husband about her post and "he didn't care."
"I told him what it said and he just shook his head at me," she said. "He has no ego so as long as I believe what I am writing is true he’s happy for me to publish it."
Bela Gandhi, relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy said this is not an uncommon issue in marriages. "We have the freedom to work out of the home, and bear the lion's share of the work inside of the home," she told "Good Morning America."
She shared with "GMA" her top three tips to avoid frustration:
1. "Understand that men are totally different than we are," she said. "They are wired and 'genderized' to be competitive and focus on one task at a time. Women are genderized to care for others and many things concurrently. Accept this as a difference by taking a deep breath."
2. "Once you've accepted this, the best thing to do is to be specific with him as to how he can help," she said. 'I would be grateful if you would do the laundry, including folding and putting it away. Also, if you can stop at the store to grab bread, milk, and chicken, awesome."'
3. "Acknowledge the good that he does, and praise him for it."
4) "Lather, rinse, repeat," Gandhi suggests. "Breathe, have a glass of wine because you'll be making these specific requests and lists ad infinitum."
Hall wrote that despite the current rough patch, she is certain she and her husband will eventually be fine.
"So thank you for giving me some superficial gratification when telling me that we are couple goals but in the spirit of honesty, having a baby is one thing, sharing that baby is a completely different story.
Where there is love there is a way and there is no shortage of love in my marriage.
We will grow and we will be ok."
