Review: New coat of paint with 'Road House' remake, still nothing under the hood

Back in 1989, "Road House" was an action flick of such gross stupidity that it won five deserved Razzie nominations (the Oscars for junk), including for worst movie, and another for worst actor, an unjust slam at the late Patrick Swayze -- fresh off "Dirty Dancing" and a year away from "Ghost" -- who brought a Zen-like cool to the role of a club bouncer with fists of fury.

In the 35 years since its debut, "Road House" developed a cult reputation as a movie so bad that you couldn’t help but enjoy it for the shameless joy it took in its own awfulness. There had to be a reboot of this guilty pleasure.

And here it is, courtesy of director Doug Liman, ready to stream on Prime Video with no stops in theaters.

In Swayze’s role as Dalton is "Brokeback Mountain" Oscar-nominee Jake Gyllenhaal, who is such a dynamite actor that you’ll never catch him showing how superior he is to the material he’s clearly slumming in.

Gyllenhaal’s total commitment to the role of a former Ultimate Fighting Champion and philosophy major reduced to breaking up bar brawls makes all the difference.

The remake has switched locales from Missouri to the Florida Keys and eased up on the original’s misogyny (except for the doc played by Kelly Lynch, the actresses were encouraged to hit the floozy pedal hard). And director Liman ("Swingers," "The Bourne Identity") is a big improvement on the aptly named Rowdy Herrington.

Don’t get me wrong -- "Road House" is still the cheeseball wallow in blood-spurting punching and stabbing it always was. Only it looks more real than cartoonish this time.

We’re meant to feel Dalton’s pain. Does reality render the movie more emotionally tender? You be the judge.

Dalton, nursing nightmares over a fatal battle in the ring, takes a $5000-per-week offer from Frankie (Jessica Williams) to cool down tempers at her road house in Florida (the Dominican Republic filled in as a location). There’s also a gator and underwater fighting in the mix. Sweet.

To show that fists aren’t his first reaction to conflict, Dalton befriends a teen (Hannah Lanier) whose dad runs a bookstore.

He also trains amateur fighters (Lukas Gage, Dominique Columbus) in the art of restraint. "No one ever wins a fight" is a Dalton line in the original and the remake.

The true villain is Ben Brandt (a snarling Billy Magnussen), a profiteer who wants to shut down the road house to build a resort.

It’s Brandt’s henchman Knox (tattooed UFC superstar Conor McGregor in his acting debut) who escalates the bloodlust, even though ER doctor Ellie (Daniela Melchior) warns Dalton, to whom she’s fiercely attracted, to follow his own motto to "be nice."

Fat chance.

Like its predecessor, the 2024 edition of "Road House" doesn’t miss an opportunity to throw a punch.

Unlike the previous film, this one doesn’t provide a mentor for Dalton, the way the great Sam Elliott did as a father figure for Swayze. It’s a major miscalculation. The Swayze/Elliott bond gave the film a heartbeat this remake so badly needed.

In the end, "Road House" benefits most from the visual pizzazz of Liman’s direction and a star performance from Gyllenhaal that finds depths in a character you won’t find in the script.

But despite a new coat of paint on this old jalopy, there’s still nothing under the hood.