Is there a code of conduct, a set of rules or some sort of protocol to follow when tragedy or sudden hardship falls upon the life of a person we care about?
A good number of inquiries have come my way surrounding this delicate subject, so I thought I'd share what I've learned. Any of us who hear sudden tragic news from a friend are compelled to want to make the friend feel better and show support -- that's a given.
The question is, will our response be received the way we intend it to be? Could our own perspective and lack of thought or time to think out the words turn our well-intentioned response into something else?
A woman recently shared with me that she was in an accident that left her close to death. After months and months of rehabilitation, she can now get around in a wheelchair and see her children before they go off to school in the morning. Five months after her accident, she went for a regularly scheduled mammogram and learned she had breast cancer.
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Usually an optimistic person, she suddenly found herself questioning her entire belief system. Why her? Why now? What did she do to deserve this?
But to my surprise, her remarks to me were about the people in her life and the way they responded to her news. She said that almost every single person with whom she'd shared the news of her cancer assured her that "Everything is going to be all right."
This type of response from friends and family members has frustrated her beyond words.
She asked me if I could tell her why people couldn't just state the truth of her situation. She'd hoped just one person might say, "Gosh, I'm so sorry. This really, really sucks." That's what she wanted to hear, because apparently that's what she was feeling.
How are we to know what is the best thing to say to someone who is going through a difficult time? How are we supposed to guess or predict what would bring comfort in a moment? The truth is, all of us take in news differently depending on our circumstances, fears, ability to communicate.
Some people may very well want to hear they're going to be OK, but after a lot of poking around, I've come to learn, that many want to hear their friends say -- at least at first -- that it's awful.
So perhaps we should add this tidbit of information to the Rolodex in our brains: A lot of people at the onset of bad news do want to hear just how horrible and difficult it is before we break into how OK it will be and how we aren't given what we can't handle and so forth.
Taking an extra moment to think more carefully about how to respond to bad news might give our intuition more time to kick in. Whether we think about it or not, what we hope to bring to these people in our lives is anything that might comfort or ease their burden, even if just for a moment.
So much of successful communication is in our ability to listen. Good intentions are appreciated, but even better is knowing those intentions have been received in the way we hope.
There are no rules here. These situations are too loaded with nuance and emotion. It is up to us to push ourselves to connect effectively to the people we love the most in this world. At the end of it all, when your loved ones are in times of grave need, check in and make sure you're there for them in the way you mean to be.
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